Today in a recreational environment I was able to observe several families as they spent time together.  I saw a few families that I wondered if there would be any survivors.  I saw others where the parents used only one way of dealing with difficulties and that was anger.  There was one mother who had only one tone and that was loud and harsh.  I saw so many children feeling the proverbial wrath of their parents and dishing that same wrath back and forth to each other.  Frustration seemed to be the guiding principle of much of the parenting that I observed.  It is silly to think that children don’t feel responsible for all the frustration.

But in the midst of this scene there was one mother who approached everything quite differently.  I don't know who she was or where she learned to parent but she had a different spirit.  She wasn't fake or artificial but she was busy being mother and seemed honored to be the one that her two sons leaned upon.  She was bright and cheerful with what seemed to be a glad heart.  What impressed me most was how much she seemed to enjoy her children.  It was almost like she knew they wouldn't be young forever.  She hovered over them like it was a privilege.  She took specific interest in what they were doing and laughed a lot with them.  She noticed the things they noticed and led them down different paths when they got bored.  She seemed like she was doing something very important and realized it.

The Bible seems to emphasize two basic points about parenting.  It says that children should obey their parents and that parents should not provoke their children to anger.   The part about children obeying their parents is teaching given to children but it shows something that is a legitimate and proper goal in the relationship.  Children should obey their parents.  This certainly places great importance on what we generally and specifically try to get our children to do.  Assuming that in many ways our children are going to go down the paths which we lead them to walk, we need to carefully consider what we want them to obey.  Parents obviously by words and by actions teach children to be like themselves.  Amazingly they often obey. 

What about the part that says parents should not provoke their children to anger?  Does this mean that we tiptoe around the real issues to keep from making our children mad at us?  We provoke anger in our children by having too much anger in ourselves and in our ways of relating.  Anger is one of the most justified and cultivated emotions in our society.  We have become so caught up in our own misguided view of happiness and our own rights and privileges that it seems that everyone is failing us.  When we look for the wrong things in life and when these wrong things are not actually accessible our children are the ones who suffer the most.  There is nothing worse for a child than to have empty parents.  Unfulfilled, dissatisfied, self-centered parents make angry children.  Children properly received will never be a legitimate cause of diminished living.  Every single person who thinks that their life is reduced because of children is confused about their reason for being.

Most parents would willingly make great sacrifices for their children.  The one sacrifice that many won't make is to give up themselves.  The best way to be a better parent is not by techniques and books.  The best way to be a better parent is to become a better person.  A better person is a less selfish person, a person under better influences, a person who has learned what is truly important.  It is simply impossible to live the life you want to live and also be a good parent if the life you want to live is not largely about parenting.  When did we get confused about what a meaningful and important life was?  Is being respected by people we don't know or don't even like more important than being available to our children?  Is a woman being mistreated or suppressed when she simply chooses to invest her life in her children instead of trying to prove she is just as good as a man?  There is perhaps no greater failure in this life than to allow our foolishness to cause us to fail our children.  When children do finally grow up and become adults there is no success in the entire world that can compensate for the chilling realization that we were not there for them when it mattered most. 

There is a reason that the Bible doesn't say a whole lot about parenting.  The qualities that make good parents are the same qualities that make good Christian people.  Children are people with all the relational qualities that people have.  When the Bible teaches us to be loving and kind and patient and wise and to allow the words of Christ to dwell in us richly, these are exactly the characteristics that make good parents.  People who are growing in Christ are growing as parents.  A person who becomes less angry about their life and who is less bitter and who has hope for the future automatically becomes a better parent and more qualified to lead another little life in the right way.  Every time you listen to a sermon or Bible class, every time you study the Bible seriously, every time you allow yourself to be constructively criticized, your children suddenly have a better chance at life.  Every day that you humbly bow your head before God and plead with Him to help you be less angry and less selfish and less vain, your children rest a little easier.

It is true that none of us can simply drop everything else and be a parent.  We have many roles to fill and they are all important.  But that does not change the fact that parenting is more important than most of these roles and is more important than it is often treated.  Being family oriented is not a personal trait like enjoying horse back riding.  People are always more important than anything else.  When someone dies and you look back at their life and see what mattered most about their years there are two things that stand out.  One is the degree to which their life gave glory and honor to God.  The second one is the influence they had on the family they left behind.  If you want to figure out which roles in your life are most important and which ones have the most opportunity for fullness, then go to a funeral and just listen.