It seems that the further I go in my life with God the more undeserving I see myself.  The more I study and pray and meditate and seek the things of God a part of me is gripped by how much more aware I am of my unworthiness.  There is a line of thought that would suggest that though none of us are worthy of the love of God, there are some who are much closer than others and that should be evident.  But honestly I don't think it works that way.  The people who know God the best are the ones who see themselves as the least worthy.  Those who have only a borrowed view of God have issues with whether or not they are getting a fair shake.

When the Pharisee and the tax collector of Luke 18 approached God in prayer their discerning factor was not behavior.  The Pharisee prayed to God from a perspective of a high view of himself before God.  The tax collector prayed with a very low self view.  He was not being artificially humble when he asked God to be merciful to him.  He was not following a prescription for success when he called himself a sinner. The point was not that one used more appropriate words or better language.  The tax collector knew two persons better than the Pharisee.  He knew God more accurately and he had a more clear view of himself.  When people don't have a high enough view of God they always have an elevated view of themselves.

As we pass through the veil of the deceptive world around us and move closer to the truth about our life we find the distance between ourselves and God not to be less but more.  The Psalmist asks "Who looks far down on the heavens and the earth?".  A correct view of God must understand how great God is in and of Himself.  He is unimaginably far above us in His being.  He is more than us and exceeds us in every way imaginable.  Our minds can certainly not comprehend the full expanse of His greatness and His superiority over us.  But by degrees we must grow to be ever more cognizant of the difference.  It is God's difference from us that alters our lives and not his similarity.  There is a sense in which He is everything that I am not and oh how glad that makes me.  All the things I wish I were He is.  All the things I wish I controlled He does. 

But we work so hard to make Him just a better version of ourselves.  We have trouble even respecting Him much less laying our lives at His feet.  It is the distance between us and God that we should treasure.  He is not a better version of me, nor a better version of the best person I have ever known.  He is not a good politician nor a good professor nor a good clergyman.  He is deserving and worthy of willful human sacrifice, not the sacrifice of life but the sacrifice of self.

When I pray I realize how many reasons there are that I should not be allowed into the throne room of an infinite God but here I am.  When I make requests for help and assistance I am reminded of the magnitude of benevolence He has already showered upon me and yet I ask for more with solid reasons to be hopeful.  I ask for things that I have no hope for unless one far greater than I receives my request.  When my heart is filled with gratitude I see the surprising reality that He is still aware of me across so great a distance.

Why should we be asked and expected to always live from a posture of unworthiness?  Why has God actually created a situation where I will always be one standing in need of mercy and grace?  Can I never ascend to a place where it is right for me to have expectations? 

The object of the grace of God is the most joyous and beneficial place that any creature could take.  It has never been God's plan or desire to give us what we could be worthy of or pay us what we earned.  If God were interested in some kind of exchange or mutually beneficial arrangement then what many people call religion would be working out much better.  It has always been Gods intent to give the gifts of His choosing and to greatly exceed anything we can even imagine.  To ask God to give you what you deserve is to strip away His grace.  To be allowed to dictate to God from the small cup of my desires would be like putting God in handcuffs. 

I hope that I will always be able to bath myself in the depths of my unworthiness.  I want to be forever amazed that God would have anything to do with me and yet constantly aware that He does.  Every true reflection that shows me how unworthy I am of the exceedingly high and majestic God who won't stop involving Himself in my life is worth anything it costs.

God has given us a platform of unworthiness from which to operate.  Our unworthiness takes our eyes away from our small deeds and focuses them on His majestic glory.  Grace is defined as Gods favor.  How could He favor us if He owed us something?  We are not the hired worker who is owed a wage but we are the child to whom He owes nothing and wants to give everything.

Psalms 113 :(5)  Who is like the LORD our God, who is seated on high, (6)  who looks far down on the heavens and the earth?

James 4:6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."